Ah ha!!!

Where in the world to begin?!?!?

I have had a lot of stuff going on in my mind lately. For the past several months God has definitely been doing something in this life of mine. I forget how intricately He is involved sometimes until these moments where I finally see progress in my life...I see a glimpse of a bigger picture, and I have an "Ah ha" moment.

A pattern I have seen lately is my "A-type" personality. I have always thought this was an amazing thing to have... which don't get me wrong...I think it is beneficial in many cases, but can easily become a beast inside (especially if left uncontrolled for long periods of time). I am an organizer, a time focused individual, a clean freak, a scheduler, not a rule breaker (in most cases), and this part of my life was beginning to control me (in case you haven't read any of my other posts). Anything that jumped out of these confined lines was unwelcome and definitely not the way things were "suppose" to be. BUT...There are always lines in life. Balance. Everything in life needs this balance to work the way God designed us to work. Not saying everybody's balance has to look the same, just that you need some sort of balance or life becomes wack. So here lies huge, mind boggling, thought number UNO!

In my faith I have come to a point of acceptance. Which is good and bad. So I was having a conversation with a friend the other night and I realized my openness to others, and willingness to accept pretty much everything (cause I am not the judge) was just another balance issue. I always viewed my thought process as more loving, "What would Jesus do?" kinda thing. I thought others are more conservative or strict just cause that is how God works in them, but not me. I even sometimes viewed it as possibly putting God into a box not allowing differences into this little world of ours.  He made me to be the lover, the peace preserver, the acceptor. But "Ah ha" maybe my acceptance was actually putting God into a different box, a box that was TOO big, a box that doesn't have ANY rules and ANYTHING goes. Maybe that is way far over that balance line and I need to have a checkpoint! And here lies huge, mind boggling, thought number DOS!

Here is where it all breaks down. I just wasn't getting it! I just wasn't getting the fact that God has been trying to show me over and over again... I NEED BALANCE!!!!  So I studied my butt off for the last two weeks. Barely talking to David. For surely lacking in communication with friends and family. And DEFINITELY not taking any ME time! 70 hours of studying on top of classes. This all boils down to many nights of being COMPLETELY angry at David for NO apparent reason, loss of sleep, anxiety pouring out my ears, upset tummy, and a brief moment of failure after an hour long test. All for what?!?!? What is my purpose here?!?!!?  What am I trying to accomplish?!?!? I can do this, but I need balance. And here lies huge, mind boggling, thought number WACK IN THE FACE!

I can't function with out my me time! I can't function when David and I aren't talking. I can't function if I leave God out of the mixture! I need all these things to get through life. I need balance. So here's to my new effort of trying to be more balanced.

I know this was long, but it took this long for these thoughts to finally work there way out of their jumbled mess inside my head, down to these fingers quickly tapping on the keyboard, to see what I finally am learning from these months of HUGE, MIND BOGGLING, THOUGHT NUMBER "AH HA"! When I read today "six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work!" I forgot this key point of a rhythm...we are designed to have rest, God himself made us that way!

All this to say...my life is easy compared to those around the world. I am doing this to better the world in which I live, to show Love to those who need it, to be a crusader. This is my destiny!